To move in before youve even had time to vet the relationship is, in my opinion, risky. The last few years, he's wanted to go to holidays with his family, it's important to him, and I've wanted to spend my For the LWs boyfriend, perhaps hes someone who enjoys being homebound, and after only three weeks, the new place doesnt feel like home yet. Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. Like, I just went to The Niagara falls of Pennsylvania it was no Niagara but a nice day trip. He told you hedoesnt want to spend Christmas with your family. Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. Instead of alienating him, encourage him.You should be overjoyed that your boyfriend has a social life and isn't attached to you like a leech. Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. No he actually does not spent 80% of time at his parents. When I lived in Paris my host siblings were like that. Red_Lady I realize going every weekend to his parents house is a little extreme, but remember too that its not just you anymore. Even with stuff planned, spending time with his daughter, etc., he still prefers to spend his free time at his parents home. Theyre lovely people, but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. I think its every weekend during the parts of the year he travels a lot, so summer and fall. January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. Tell him youre staying home three weekends out of four (which is completely reasonable) and hes welcome to stay with you or hes free to go see his parents, but you live in the city because you like the urban life and the weekend is your time to enjoy that life. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. i dont know every time i go to assume anything i say the little rhyme to myself in my head. He needs a lot of family time, you need a lot of just-the-two-of-you time. We just got thru the holidays. Now he plans for you two to live as close to them as possible. Thats a long ass time at home, no? lets_be_honest As for your boyfriends parents making you feel guilty for leaving their place even after youve spent all day with them, you have to just let their comments roll off your back. Dont people like to do things in their cities? Some peoples parents are just like that. Youre lifestyles dont mesh and they probably never will. Melissa Melms, who lives with her fianc in Hoboken, New Jersey, says making time for herself amps up her happiness, which in turn benefits the relationship. And after 4 months, youre likely just coming out of the Honeymoon Phase. You havent had sufficient time to learn these little things youre just starting to learn. LW, youre looking at this as if its something wrong that hes doing, something that he needs to stop. I have been marriend two my husband for five years. I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. June 18, 2014, 2:59 pm, BIg difference between loving your parents and being codependent on them. LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. ReginaRey January 20, 2012, 11:43 am. after the fact she admitted there were things wrong with the relationship but she was so in love with him and couldnt imagine that he was really doing that to her. Ergo, off to the parents home. My husband calls his mom about once a week as well and his dad a few times a year. Something like frequent arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings? Yeah.. Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. Is it because the LWs own lease was up? Over time, the wife found living so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the divorce. January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest A conversation like that could end up being a red flag for HIM that you did not intend. Or maybe the LW would be more willing to let her boyfriend spend time with his parents on his own during the weekend, if she could spend weekday nights with him. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with My husband likes And unless he has something planned, he stays in reading/watching TV/listening to music until bed at midnight. *If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter. silver_dragon_girl So many people spend a ton of time with family. Laura Hope This is especially important ifhis parents dont respect boundaries. NEWSFLASH: This is WHO he is. I think the issue is that you just need to communicate. The little things like who is taking the garbage out? Fast-forward almost 30 years: I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms. That said, I think the LW should just talk to her boyfriend. Francine Have you tried just not going? LW is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend with her boyfriends family. Trust me, I like to avoid problems just like the next person, but I think theres a difference between letting things slide and not being confrontational and willfully blinding yourself to the reality of your relationship. Something that youre going to have to communicate about. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with your husbands family, so that you can strengthen your bonds with your husbands family while also strengthening your bond with him. Alternatively, you can figure out what specific times are appropriate for him to spend with his parents. a lot of people just arent that way. If he still caves, or prefers spending time with parents rather than exploring the city with LW, then at least LW will have determined exactly where she stands and be able to make the appropriate decision about whether or not to stay with bf. I think a lot of people on here are offering her good suggestions to try and help her with her boyfriend and to get him to spend less time with his family and more time hanging out with her. Agreed. Because when you are confronted with a situation head on, and theres pressure to resolve it right this second, the reaction is usually different then if you had a chance to talk it through and come to a mutually satisfying solution. Then you need a different boyfriend. So much fun and its free! Its a worldwide treasure hunt. Tell him that you feel neglected and that it hurts that you never spend weekends together. WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. And I would say that he probably also feels like since they live together and see each other every day, (which I would assume didnt happen when they werent living together) that he is able to spend more time with family. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. i think the dysfunction wouldnt come from just the time spent, like the literal hours, i think the dysfunction would come from the things surrounding the time spent- the guilt, ect. Its really hard taking care of yourself after a divorce, if you dont have a good career or come from a wealthy family. If you are a big saver or spender, its likely your SO will just know that about you and the first time it comes up as an issue, you work it out. Youve lived together for three weeks. Some things you may never known until you move in together. Granted I dont live at home so definitely value all the time I get there, but some people just are more comfortable/prefer being around their family. Which is totally fine for you. At the same time, I know Ive put off talking about finances WAY longer than three weeks before (yeah, yeah, I know, bad), so that doesnt seem like a huge problem to me either. i think you are more direct than a lot of people and maybe more communicative. I can use a personal example as well. Like the other commenters have said, just communicate! Its like of course your boyfriend told you he wasnt cheating on you he wanted to continue to bang you and get all the other benefits of the relationship. I totally agree with Wendys 2nd paragraph. Different strokes for different folks. Like the people who say they wouldnt want to know a significant other was cheating on them. Im not saying get all this stuff figured out in one convo, im saying by the time you move in together you should know most of these things about the other person and you should fill in the blanks on ALL of them moving in together. Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. whose name does the electric go in, who sets up cable? At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: A guilty conscience makes your husband go to his family every weekend. If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. But I dont think giving him an ultimatum me or them is the best way to try to improve the situation. If the amount of time he spends with his parents is causing an issue in his relationship, then I would say its definitely a problem he needs to address. I completely agree with Angelique in that this family dynamic is dysfunctional. June 18, 2014, 11:28 am. muchachaenlaventana For example, my SO knows I would love to adopt one day. My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months, after dating for a year. And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. That sounds like two out of three, and maybe that was because of the holidays. ele4phant That was my first thought. Will.i.am Youve got to convince him that he can enjoy That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. This isnt a minor trait that you can ask someone to change for you, like throwing away your toenail clippings instead of leaving them on the floor. everyone just has a different approach to their relationship. He lived 4.5 hours away. And that commute can be a PAIN IN THE ASS. right! 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