18 Sure Signs He Will Marry You Someday: Cues to Decode His Intention, What Makes a Man Want to Marry You: These 7 Things. My mother used to literally scream at me if she saw my hand go anywhere near my head, my friends used to threaten to not speak to me if I cut myself, but no pressure! He no longer answers his phone as quickly as before. While I didnt see any helpful scripts for the well-meaning partner in this situation, this post did help me understand better how she might feel. I spent four years in a relationship like that, where nothing was ever good enough and taking steps to be a better Me was met with derision and controlling behaviours, and I know so much how hard it is. He never seemed to understand that these personality traits conflictedor at least, they conflicted in me, for us. My husband is in a club that meets once a month when he has that meeting I have Chipotle for dinner. Does he want you to be happy and comfortable in your own body; or is he looking for A Girlfriend Who Matches The Public Beauty Ideal? Sometimes your SO wants you to help, and has ideas on how you can, but those ideas are often wrong. If what he says pisses you off, take it as a good sign that your self-respect and self-preservation instincts are waking up and working. You wrote: Im in therapy to recover and get to a place where I think that Im good enough & love and trust myself again (after years growing up having that constantly undermined) . but wanted to make sure you knew he wasnt judging/minding/caring about your choice of snack. Part of why its so difficult to break up with someone without a Huge Serious Reason is that without one, theres no defined point at which you MUST do it. LW, your story really, really made the back hairs of my neck stand up. I appreciate that you care about me, but Im good, so lets change the topic.. Youve clearly already worked out some helpful things. What your boyfriend is doing is totally not how it has to be. There can even be some of both this and the previous issue mixed together, because real people (even ones who use lots of reason) can have conflicting and complex emotions. Sometimes you just have to watch somebody else hurting and not be able to do anything about it. 1. I know I'm not perfect and made mistakes (not cheating or anything like that). Also, as an ex-smoker, I agreed with you on the you cant change other people front. something her boyfriend disagrees with, he ought to say, I really disagree with that or I really dont think thats a good idea. Instead hes cutting her down and belittling her. Its not a cure; its a coping skill. It was exhausting for both of us. He isnt saying anything because there are no rules anymore and nothing is official between the two of you. Did you eat at any cool restaurants on your trip? Hey, I just want to make sure you are eating your vegetables. Im actually the boss of that, and I dont want to run my food intake by you anymore, thanks. That means no vegetables, I guess. But you are in therapy and making efforts to recover, and it doesnt sound like your condition and treatment plan isnt putting their well-being at risk, so that doesnt seem to be happening here. A Redditor has been slammed online for trying to dictate to their sister's boyfriend how they should eat their dinner. This is not one of them. This is sporadic enough that it hasnt become a sticking-point in our relationship (yet! Then all of a sudden he stopped calling and you're not hearing from him at all. But it still got on my last nerve, and undermined my motivation to develop healthy habits. Or something like that, anyway. Emotional detachment. For example, they might mad that you didnt fold the laundry when you said you would, or frustrated at coming home to find you in bed asleep with your clean, untouched gym clothes on the bed, when you said you were going to work out. Ikind of feel like a great, positive life change that will help combat depression is getting this dude the hell away from where you are, OP. My family hated that I smoked and were anxious about what it was doing to my health, my boyfriend hated it, my friends hated it but trying to quit for other people never worked. First, he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard. But when he starts talking about how hes going to end it they cant help but treat you differently. Bottom line is the conversation . LW, you are already doing so much good stuff for yourself, and at your own pace. In hindsight Im so glad we broke up. Living in constant stress, even if its a stress youve chosen yourself in the name of self-improvement, isnt good for you. Theres no excuse for a relationship where one person does all the initiating, it means the other party is either disinterested or being suffocated by someone who wants a lot more interaction than they do. Ashlyn Cook, 25, appeared in Kalgoorlie Magistrates Court on Monday where she . My ex was low-level abusive, (gaslighting, fake apologising then doing the thing again, blowing up at me when I asked why the thing I has asked not to be done had been done agan). I suspect a lot of commenters are going to scream angry bees, run away, and theyre not wrong; your partners behavior is a bit like tiger stripes in tall grass: it looks like one thing (concern for you) but might be something far less pleasant. Is he happy? It really doesnt feel like he likes you. I dont think all relationships that arent in it for better or for worse and in sickness or in health are bad, but I do think that makes it a more casual relationship and one you shouldnt rely on. You didnt give details, but you did say that for much of your life, youve struggled with being constantly undermined. I think its easy for us to say DTMFA because we know none of the other persons good qualities. Respect is really important in relationships. I have learned to back way off, although he tends to not to interact much at his worst and I have a hard time dealing with that. Make it clear to your boyfriend that you don't like it when he talks to her. So if your partner was reacting in line with frustration and reacting to objective, observable behaviors that contradicted therapeutic actions you had agreed to, then that could be a reasonable reaction. Can you talk with your therapist about what options are there for you and work with them to make a plan? I dont know your boyfriend, but in my case, I had to say to my fianc outright that I already have a therapist who is doing her job just fine, and this was even harder for him, because part of his job involves providing therapy to students on the autism spectrum. 1. And when he lost a bunch of weight as a side effect of a new medication, suddenly all of his insecurities about it were transferred to passive-aggressively fatshaming me. Im sad because the person I love is sad, and I want them to be happy. They are not your child who needs to be emotionally spanked. If what he says pisses you off, take it as a good sign that your self-respect and self-preservation instincts are waking up and working. The BF sounds like he is familiar territory to you, treating you w/ the disregard & disrespect that as a child you were taught was your due. Your jerkbrain beats you up enough when you have depression. The thing is, it doesnt sound like he wants you to be better, despite what he says. Theyre angry with the situation, but love & respect their partner. (I dont think its as uncommon as people would have you think.). Im starting to have a shoulders-to-the-ears reaction any time a LW mentions how logical or reasonable their partner is. But it can be useful to remember that the other person may be engaged in a positive struggle to live their life, even if looks maddeningly like the opposite from outside. They are not partner micro-managing tools. You might find some helpful scripts for a well-meaning partner in this Captain Awkward post: https://captainawkward.com/2011/11/05/question-130-my-partner-is-depressed-and-i-am-drowning/. When I am at home, I just need to chill out. He agreed it might help, and I immediately went out and got them and it did help. I saw progress though, and it made it easier to wade though until it was resolved. It's no secret that men aren't eager to discuss feelings. Validation. Here are 7 early warning signs of a controlling boyfriend who thinks he owns you. Keep an anger journal to track your feelings, triggers, and management efforts. Relax. * If you dont see him getting anywere on that front, please dont think you have to keep pushing to make it work even at this point, nobody could fault you for leaving if thats the route you end up taking. True story: I knew I needed to break up with my exboyfriend when I started composing Captain Awkward letters in my head. No-one can pressure him into anything nor does he pressure anyone else. Powered by Mai Theme. It is possible that he can be moved out of the fixer mode, but, if he stays in fixer mode then nothing will ever be enough. Do you ever get the feeling that your relationship would be completely over if you stop initiating texts or hang outs? TL;DR: I hope you have good progress with your healing, and that either your boyfriend learns to be less of a jerk stat, or that youre in a position to be able to move on/out without him, because you deserve so much more support and respect. Exactly. If so, disregard my next piece of advice because OMNIPOTENT BOYFRIEND THE ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES) SO they clearly cant actually know whats best for you. He then believes that if you simply were to do the right things then he would get what he wants. but its not like, oh man, now that I exercise I never feel sad! I find that when one person is overly invested in helping someone else, its often an indicator that they have their own issues which theyre trying to feel better about. I keep trying my best for him and every time I feel like he's ignoring me, I spam message him. Examine your behavior. Thank you. Ding! He graciously said that hed wait for me to get better, which somehow included losing weight, even though I never said anything about that, but continued to be, well, him, which was a self centered twit who wanted a wife, and not actually *me*. He Stopped Calling. This resonates with me on so many levels, but Im going to send on some advice from future-me that you can enjoy, or disregard as is entirely your desire, because I truly believe that you are the boss, expert and CEO of you. That looks like progress to me. For example, the LWs partner can say, Hey, want to play tag with me later?, want to go kite-flying?, Lets make smoothies!, Shall we tape sponges to our feet today and pretend were in a roller derby? or insert other fun thing here that gets the job done. It could be as simple as the fact that neither of you is interested in each other anymore. When he would not go to counseling with me, I went by myself. Or maybe his own shortcomings as a helper? 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